Coming Out

Out to yourself
Confidentially
To Others
Toe in the Water
To Friends
To Family

To Family

Related
Community

Out in Stages
gmph
NCOP
Gay Switchboard

Gay: The first part is realizing and accepting that you're primarily attracted to people the same sex as yourself.
Slave: The second part is realizing and accepting that you like to be dominated (or to dominate), that you have all these SM fantasies that will not go away. That you get aroused by things which your class mates do not. From "tying up games" to "submitting to the bullies" and "experiments" with your cock and balls.

Coming to terms with 'truths' about yourself, can range from:

I like Man sex, wanking together - common response  in institutions where being gay carries heavy penalties. It is remarkable how many Arabs/Muslims use this excuse. Where in Saudi Arabia/Iraq you might face stoning, crucifixion or at best less of a positive response to a deviation from that average ('norm' implies normal, but heterosexuality is just average) behaviour.

I am Bi-Sexual, I like both, and depending on who you talk to you can offer one more that the other. I tend not to have a big problem with this. A common response is "well make up you mind". You don't get a lot of support often because the 'other side' think you are really not one of us, that you are 'cheating' somewhere-somehow. I tend to think of this are just being attracted to people, to 'my type' if they are male or female that is a secondary issue that is addressed when you get them home. I still remember when as a kid I picked up this really horny looking skinhead, looked so hot, only to discover after closer inspection he was a lesbian.

I am also Gay. This is where you embrace positively that you are both gay and straight. It is the same as being bisexual, who whoever you are with you positively enforce that you are committed to that side of the fence. This differs to some of the denial that can happen, like I am not really gay.

I am Gay. This is where you realise to yourself that you just like having sex with your own sex. That having sex with the opposite sex is unnatural, abhorrent and disgusting (if you were forced to do it). Basically these are all the feelings that Straights/Hetros have about gay sex, but you have about straight sex. The mistake that straights make is that assuming their revolution about having sex which is unnatural to them is some how divine  endorsement that they are right.
When I was a kid (14yo) in the playground at school I remember one of the many conversations school mates have about sex. What we preferred etc. I remember saying how much I liked having sex with other  guys (in my year), the bits I liked the bits I did not, what I was attracted to. I was shocked when they said "only poofs/fag like that", I replied "I am not a poof, I just like men". This is where I was divorced between the demon "Homosexual" that you are all told about at school and what you are. It is a very nasty shock to realise that you are in fact the spawn of the devil that they keep talking about. Then it becomes a liberation - it does not get any worst.  You are 'damned' so it can only get better.
There are many reasons for homophobia (the fear of homosexuals) the most common is that they are scared about people different to themselves. They have had all the false hoods told them, they are ignorant, they do not understand. They take comfort in thinking you must be sick to be into something that is so unnatural (to them). Where as in fact they are unnatural to you - they cannot appreciate that fact.

Then comes the added complication you are a slave (a Top can hide that fact, as you are just a strong male, when is expected).
It is not average, it is not part of the stereotype for males to be passive, to be submissive. If you don't fit the 'norm' you are somehow devils.
This is due to most people personal insecurity, if you are not like me, you are against me, as you do not support my belief system and so challenge all that holds my world together. So you are an enemy to me, my framework of all that is right in the works.
This is typically of xenophobia (fear/hated of people foreign to you, your customs, language, culture and your socio-structure - easy to say fear of foreigners), and you will notice the same cross over in homophobia. Effectively you are challenging their belief systems.

So... It is their problem - not yours.

You can think of coming out is stages, most often the are as follows:

• To yourself
• Confidentially 
• To Others 
• Toe the Water 
• To Friends 
• To your Wife!
• To your Parents
• To Family 

With time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them. There is no 'rule of thumb' to say when this point is reached. For some people it happens as teenagers, for others it may happen much later on in life. But how do you get from recognition to acceptance? It helps to talk to someone. But who? And what do you say? You might want to talk to someone who understands what this is like.

Confidentially  ^
You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard, these are staffed by trained volunteers familiar with the types of issues surrounding coming out. They can address your other questions as well, as many of them have people that have been exposed to a wide number of lifestyles.
Your call will be handled with complete confidentiality.

What many people have done is to do some exploration, research if you like on the Internet.  There are many young members of the DogHouse  you have joined various chat channels, and mailing lists where they can ask questions and see the flow of information. Participation in these communities can be done with total anonymity it is best to either hide your age or suggest that you are well over legal age. Some slaves found that they were kicked off channels and badly treated just because they were too young. The reason often for this is that the police pretend to be 'sweet innocent children' to tempt people into crime, entrapping them.  Less often it is due to the opinion that you are not worth their attention or that you have intruded in the the space of the "real" men or players.

To Others  ^
Sometimes people come out if someone asks them directly if they're gay or lesbian. For me I just got fed up of the lying, fed up of converting the "He's" into "She's". I also got fed up of being considered not to be a "Team Player" as if they got too close to me they would discover the truth, so you get seen as a loner, and not part of the Team at work. It is their fault, as if they presented themselves are open minded and inclusive it would you be at phase 3 by now! To be fair, many people make jokes about minorities to make themselves like the rest of the team/tribe, so that they will be welcomed in and belong. This is often why gay also pretend to be straight - but the lie is still a cancer burning away inside and destroying you.

The next phase on from this is the constructing awkward sentences where you avoid using the "He" or "She" words. In the UK is it politically correct to use phrases such as "My partner" my "Other Half" as the privacy that is affords is accepted. However, you can be chatting away with complete freedom, and you talk about how you and your other half when to the Football Match, or went out on the Motorbikes, or went out to a sauna. Then someone will think, I don't know many public saunas that allow men and women in at the same time, and my girlfriends never comes to football with me and as for playing Tag on a motorbike well.......

Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, "There's something I have to tell you." If you choose the latter option, ask yourself: "Who's the most open-minded and caring person I know? and who's the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off?" Many people describe how important it was to first tell someone outside the family.
This can be a hard one. I would not advise this person being someone a work as you will have to be with them all the time if they have a bad reaction.

Whoever it is, make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. The goal is not to tell for the sake of telling, but not to hide. Tell that person you have questions about your sexual orientation, or you're trying to come to terms with your sexual orientation, and you'd like to talk. Say you've come to them because you trust them. The more people you can find and be honest with, the better you'll feel.  The positive side of that is that you can feel closer, they can feel 'of all the people he chose to tell, he chose me', that counts for something. It also means that you have a closer and more honest relationship with that person. It can also be trendy to have gay friends, so you can become some kind of accessory - not the best of feelings, as you get discarded when the fashion changes.
For all the people that I have told  at work, I have done it as a matter of fact way. Usually when just that person is around (i.e. no witnesses, and a manageable situation). Typical responses can vary, the last person was a little shocked, he laughed with disbelief, it was just not what he expected. The rest of the days he had questions, loads of questions. Basically making comparisons of my life and his, where we were the same, where we were different.

Another valid question is, "Who needs to know?" Telling them that you are Gay can be one thing, telling them that you are a slave is another. They may well form their opinions.

In my town we have two substantial Universities, so there is a high student population here. This town/city is one of the most gay friendly places in the UK. So you would think that it would be easy to come out here. But, I have found with young gay slaves here (to be honest mostly the non-English ones) they a problem with coming to terms with their gay side, let alone their slave side. In the first term they are still tied to their parents, and all the controls that the parents place over them. Now they are here starting to lead independent lives, marking out their own identity.
However at University you have good access to the Internet (where you possibly found this page), you have access to a wide range of thinking. This is possibly one reason for choosing that University other than it is the best for your subject. So it is important to find some one you can talk to, bounce ideas off. The communities page can give some options, but what happens is that you find a friend who you reveal more information about yourself to, we all need someone to confide in, to bounce ideas off of.

A toe the Water  ^
You can get a sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or don't say, when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation.
You might try to bring it up yourself by talking about gay/SM issues in the news - such as the Ellen TV show or the debates over equal rights in the workplace for lesbians and gays. If your friends' or your family's reactions are positive, chances are they'll be more accepting of you. But keep in mind that it's easier for most people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract; it's a bit different when it's "my son" or "my daughter" or even "my best friend."

I have found that you can accelerate this process my seeding the conversations, bringing up a topic, listen to their opinion, then voice your opinion, and measure their reaction.  I was  working in London SoHo, and in Cafe near us there was a member of staff with more than the average number of facial piercings. For the team from work this was a bit of a shock, more so that the men kissing at the back of the cafe. The following days were occupied with these piercings. They expressed their shock in them of it is horrible (many people who work in London don't live their, and their towns are not so liberal), I verbally empathized with them, but then stated that I happened to like one of the piercings a lot (the Septum ). Things settled down. The group think, we are all the same, uniting the team in hating something that was different, changed when I stated that I found it not only acceptable but desirable.  The gay thing came up later - walking around London Soho you cannot help to notice that their are Gays everywhere. So the team voiced their opinion. Some ranged from 'I find them funny', to "their Ok as long as they don't touch me, and if they do..." most of that crap is from ignorance.  So many heterosexual men are under the illusion that however ugly they are, that you are going to find then irresistible and will wanted to fuck them where they stand - a little after that they get hurt and resentful when they realise that you would not touch them with a 10ft pole. For these people it is better just to flatter their egos or offer a neutral response. Again with the team, they later found that gays were not a problem and sort of liked them as part of the 'charm' of Soho.
All you have to do is break down the myths. So much Xenophobia/Homophobia is based on false beliefs, once these are cleared, the irrational behaviour is out the way. Then it is down to if  they like a person or not.

To Friends  ^
When you're ready to come out to your friends, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or lesbian friends to help you. But heterosexual friends can also be good supporters. This can be a hard one, as the more important their friendship is the less likely you want to risk it. The best way I dealt with it is consider and accept - what is the worst that could happen. To be honest it is better to accept that this might happen and find that it did not, that to assume all will be problem free.
Choose carefully as you reveal this fundamental part of yourself. Many gay people find that the friends they thought would be most supportive were the first to drop them, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support. Along the way, you might lose a few people whom you thought were friends, like they were not real friends, and this was a good test as if it was not this it would have been something else. When you tell them, they might have the feeling that this is a come-on, so ensure that they are in a safe place, backed in a corner is not the best place. One friend I told, actually started looking at the door, like he was set to bolt out of there into the on coming traffic - but he was cool about it later. Another went into detail about a girl he was attracted to (so convince me that he was not gay) shortly after I told him.
Once they are told in a no-risk way, almost like telling they why you like sugar in your coffee, that there is no alternative agenda (like now can I shag you) its often ok.
Either way you will learn many valuable lessons about what the word "friendship" means.

To Family  ^
Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them. If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?"

Parents will often go through phases from deignal to acceptance. There will be the usual one often  taught by the Church and the "Right" that someone corrupted you. This is the myth that an older guy many caught you and corrupted you - the somebody else's fault route. Then the parents will wonder what it is that they have done. It might be a medical condition which is closer to the truth, that your Genes decide what you are attracted you. It is just as natural to be gay as it is straight.
Your parents may well also be concerned about their standing in their peer group, like you could have become the Black Sheep in the family.
I would tend to advise someone to tell their parents only when you have left home, when there is no chance of you being thrown out on the streets and be made homeless.
In balance to this, parents love their children, and having spent some 14 or more year loving you and bring you up are not often likely to change that loving (unless they interpret your 'choice' to be Gay as betrayal). It is often the Mothers or a close Teacher that know long before you do,  that you are gay, and are waiting for you to tell them when the time is right.

So my advice is to cover your bets, have a fall back position, if it goes badly  then you are still ok, if it goes well then every thing is even better between you.

Useful movies to see are "Queer as Folk" as this encompasses the issues of being gay at school and dealing with the problems there and will your parents finding out.