stages of coming out

Many authors and theorists have written about the Coming Out process. There are many models and many different stages proposed. What follows is a good basic model for this process.

More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, it involves confusion, some attempt at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety, trying to "pass," counselling, and often religious commitment to "overcome" sexuality. Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual orientation develops. There may be some grief over "the fall from paradise" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life.
Gay and lesbian people may be fairly closeted at this point. However, most seek out information about being gay.
 

Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may cause a return to the Self-Recognition stage, but positive acceptance can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Usually disclosure is a slow process.

Some gays and lesbians come out in "gentle" ways, admitting they are gay if asked but not volunteering it. Others do it in "loud" ways, proclaiming their sexuality to others to end the invisibility of being gay. As this stage progresses, a self-image of what it means to be gay develops, and the individual studies stereotypes, incorporates some information about gays while rejecting other information.
 

Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience that the person is not alone in the world, and there are other people like him or her. A positive sense of self, indeed pride develops, and is strengthened by acceptance, validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role models can play a big role in this stage.
 

This stage entails feeling good about oneself, seeking out positive relationships with other gays or lesbians, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled.
 

Entails an openness and non-defensiveness about one's sexual orientation. One may be quietly open, not announcing their sexual orientation, but available for support to others nonetheless. Couples live a comfortable life together and generally seek out other couples.

Openness is often mitigated by age. Older men may be less open in their lives, and may see no need to change. Younger men may be more open, politically active, and visible in the gay community.

Following on from the above these phases are repeated.
"Like its bad enough being gay, but now your a slave and a dogslave at that!"

Self-Recognition as a slave

This happens far earlier than your awareness of sexual attraction. It may be decided in child role play games, in tying up games or the doctor and nurses games. Then it is all innocent you - you just seem to be the one that is getting tied up all the time or is doing it - no big deal. It is only later when there are external measures like what 'real men' do. This coming out it just like the sexual coming out above.
It is more acceptable to be submissive to the popular idea - like who would not like to be the sex slave of a god or goddess. People can empathise with that. What gets harder is the detail. I have know one young slave boy who was exploring this and his first experience was with a lesbian Mistress  as she taught him what was required until he was bold enough to try the real thing with a Man.

These things are best approached in steps - this will allow you to find the right level for your stage of development. There are also many taking their first steps as a cyberslave. These would either be teenagers living at home keeping their development at a safe distance and also private from the rest of their family as they are not in a position of independence. Like it is unlikely they would be kicked out of home because they are submissive but that they want to server a man, and the parents would not understand their son wanting to sever a man the same age as his father. Even though such a man would take good care of this boy (father/son feelings as well as teacher and Master).
The snag could be that the slave falls in love with his Master as his first love, where as the slave should realise that the Master is really his teacher and guide.

The other side to this is that I know of an accomplished slave who is still a teenager. He was sexually active as a slave trying EVERYTHING whilst at school, scout camp. By the age of 14yo he knew what he wanted  and started collecting the gear he liked - he just lied about his age. The snag here was that the people he went with did not know he was 'jail bait' - they were the ones at risk not him! From his point of view people his own age knew less than he did and he would only learn from older guys. As of 2005 he is still a teenager - but he is in the UK in a gay friendly city with open minded friends. He took choices into his own hands - he could have stayed at home and done nothing.

 

 

Disclosure to Others

As above. This should be a step by step process and it is easier as you gain more confidence as you learn more.
You need to get a feel for the people you might be telling - they might not want to know. Men are less likely to talk about intimate things or 'weaknesses' on the other hand you know how much they talk about things like "I would give her one" as they point out what they like.  It is easier to develop a circle of accepting like minded friends. This for sure will happen when you move  to University where there are all sorts of people from all places -this is usually the best thing that can ever happen to a lad. It is here he chooses who he shares a flat with, who he shares a bed with and how he lives.

 

Disclosure Impact

You have to do a risk assessment.
With disclosure - you have to pre accept the possible negative consequences, what is the worst that could happen and plan for it. You will find it hard to retract what you have said. You ay loose some friends and you will gain others.
There are some good ways of telling people and less good ways.

• How not to do it is to tell your Christian Fundamentalist parents from a small town that "Oh see that man on TV  he is gay just like me" at which point they cut him off from all his friends, any support system and try and hetrosexualize him. His life was not that good through his development year until he moved out.
  Remember early Christian Fundamentalist had to burn witches at the stake as it was the only way to save their souls!
• Another way is not to care about your parent - to 'escape' to university and develop you own sweet way. In this example my mate left home and went to university and supported himself as if he was an orphan.
  He developed his gay leather/rubber life style and his parents did not speak to him again till he was 40yo and only then because they wanted something.  When he died in a accident to finally make the point of this is who I am. He lay in his coffin in full leather the best that he had - so he would stand before god as a proud leatherboy.
• For me I told my parent - "oh by the way, just in case anyone else tells you I am gay..."
  My sister knew I was gay (before I did) and when she was at university she would gay newpapers. Then when my brother found out he would chaperone me to gay places to make sure his BIG brother was safe.
  It was just my parent who have to deal with it - the where did they go wrong thing.
  
  So it has taken you some time to discover what and who you are, how can they accept it in 5mins! In my mother case she spent the next 10 years  or more asking what happened at that time we did not know it was just genetic just like the colour of my hair.

On the other hand - Hang in there.
It may take other people a little time to catch up with you. Especially if your ideas are unconventional.
People prefer familiar things. They worry about changing. If you believe in yourself - hang in there, for as long as it takes.
The Universe has a way of looking after you. So Don't worry.
 

Socialization with Other Slaves

This is where you build up the courage to go into your first BDSM club. When I was 18 my biggest thrill was to walk in one door of London's biggest leather bar and walk past all these leather hunks and to exit the other door. Then I would wait for my heart to slow down.
 

Positive Self-Identification

This is where you get used to the idea that its ok to be a slave, then why would anyone want to be anything else?
You are no longer living a lie and true unto yourself. If you don't love what you are doing - don't do it. There is beauty in truth. 
"'Unto your own self be true - whoso would be a man must first be an independent"
Ralph Emerson (from essay 'Self Reliance')
 

Integration and Acceptance

From  developing a 24/7 slave lifestyle or just a weekend slave.